Love Ignited (Hollywood Series Book 2) Page 7

  “You understand that there are healthier ways to have sex, don’t you? You’re an adult now. You know that there are more traditional ways.” I was floundering. I wasn’t a sex therapist. I didn’t know where to go with this.

  “Yes, I know that now, but I’m in too deep. I wouldn’t know where to begin to have a traditional sexual experience, and I’m okay with that. I like control. I love it. It’s just this side of it that I can’t deal with. It’s this side, the side that feels the need for punishment, that I have to suppress. This is why I take drugs. They help me suppress the monster.”

  “Monster…” I repeated the word in a whisper.

  He looked at me as if I should refute him calling himself a monster.

  “Nathan, this is a lot to process. I’m not a sex therapist.”

  He sat there for a moment then nodded. I saw his face fall with rejection as he stood and started walking out of the stable.

  “Nathan, wait,”

  “No, it’s okay. I get it.” He didn’t stop to look at me or even face me as he spoke; he just kept walking.

  “Please,” I said, not wanting him to walk away upset for the second time today. He stopped. “Let me do some research, okay? I want to help, but like I said, this is new to me.”

  He nodded without looking my way before he left. I sat there, for I don’t know how long, before I trudged back up to my house.

  The next morning, I woke up before the sun. The first thought in my mind was that I needed to do research on bondage. I didn’t have enough knowledge of the topic to even have a discussion about it.

  I made myself a cup of coffee and sat down at my computer. The first image that popped up on the search made my stomach churn. There was a woman hogtied with her legs spread and a man pushing some sort of foreign object inside of her. I closed my laptop and shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t counsel Mr. Bradley about this. In fact, I was so disgusted by what I had just seen I didn’t even know if I could talk about it.

  I re-opened the browser and printed the image, trying not to look at it.

  I was in my office at nine, but there was no sign of Mr. Bradley. I actually sat there and waited until nearly nine-thirty before I went looking for him. I usually gave a two-minute grace period, but today, with this man, I had no idea what I was going to say to him, so I wasn’t even aggravated that he was late. I was relieved.

  I called down to Frank, but he hadn’t seen Mr. Bradley so I went to his bedroom and knocked on the door. I was again relieved when there was no answer. I opened the bedroom door just to make certain. As soon as I did, I saw him there, face down in his bed.

  I cleared my throat, but he didn’t budge. The sheets were down around his waist, leaving his bare back exposed. I couldn’t help but notice the marks left there from the night before.

  “Mr. Bradley,” I called out. He didn’t stir, so I stepped closer, calling out to him again. Nothing.

  Suddenly I was struck with the notion that if he had been able to get a woman in here, he could’ve easily gotten drugs in as well, and with the way he’d looked when he’d left the stable, I wouldn’t have put it past him to try to hurt himself.

  “Nathan!” I jumped on top of him, tugging at his arm to roll him over. Without warning, I was thrown on my back, my wrists pinned above my head. I was so shocked by the move that I didn’t even think to be afraid.

  He was on top of me, his eyes boring into mine, and I was just lying there all wide-eyed. Say something, I thought to myself.

  “You’re okay,” I managed. In response, I felt his grip tighten on my wrists. “Nathan,” I said calmly, “let me go.”

  He did immediately. I couldn’t get off the bed fast enough. I straightened my skirt and rubbed my wrists.

  “Are you all right?” I asked him. He didn’t respond. He just sat on the side of the bed staring at the floor. “Did you use?”

  His head snapped up at that. “No.”

  “Well, you’re late for therapy.”

  “You mean shoveling shit?”

  “No.” He thought I would punish him after all of that? “I mean it is 9:30 am. You should’ve been in my office a half-hour ago.”

  “For what, Doc?” He shrugged. “Clearly, you can’t help me. I’m here because the court thinks I have a drug problem. I don’t. You see that. I don’t think there is a reason to put you through any more.”

  “Put me through any more?” I asked. “How many times do I have to say this? This is not about me. This is about you. As long as you’re here, you have to participate in therapy. I’m sorry if that’s not what you want, but that’s part of the package.”

  He looked at me with those hard, brown eyes, “Be careful what you ask for, Doc.”

  “See, when you say things like that, it feels like you’re threatening me. Is that your intention?”

  “There’s a difference between threatening and warning. Now, could you step out? I’m naked. I need to get dressed if you want me in your office.”

  “Oh.” I held my hand over my eyes childishly, even though he was covered by the bed sheet, and walked out feeling flushed and frustrated. He didn’t want to put me through any more…He was warning me? What did that even mean? I was a therapist!

  Five minutes later, he walked into my office and plopped down on the couch. “So I guess you want to talk about last night?”

  “Well, I would like to know how—”

  “I got in touch with a friend who knew someone in Atlanta who could help me. She sent her over. I helped her climb the gate, took her to the barn, and you saw the rest.”

  “Did you…”

  “Fuck her?” His lips twitched angrily, “No. I told you; it wasn’t about sex.”

  “Let’s talk more about what it was then. I’m not sure I understand what it is about.”

  “It’s about feeding the monster in an attempt to keep my sanity.”

  I had to shake my head to keep from trying to wrap my mind around that statement. There was no reason to even try. Just because he’d named his problem, it didn’t give me a clue as to what the root issue was. I needed to start with something more basic.

  I pulled the photo I had printed, out of my desk drawer, and held it out to him. “Is this what you find sexually appealing?”

  He looked at me for a long moment before he looked down at the photo. He tossed it on the couch beside him. “No.”

  “Nathan, I’m trying to understand so that maybe I can steer you in a different direction…”

  “Hey, I don’t find anything wrong with being a Dominant. I enjoy it. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He said it almost defensively.

  “In your mind, it’s okay for you to be dominant but not for anyone else to be dominant? Is that correct?”

  “No, I think its fine for anyone to be a Dominant as long as they aren’t dominating me. There’s nothing wrong with being a Dominant when you have a willing submissive.”

  “If you don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, then why do you self-medicate?”

  “I don’t do it for that.”

  “You’re dancing around questions. I can’t work like this. If you don’t want my help, then don’t ask for it.”

  He picked up the photo and held it up. “This is disgusting. There’s nothing remotely sexual about this. Look at her eyes. She’s miserable. This picture is either posed poorly, or she’s not into it. This isn’t what being a Dom is about.” He wadded up the paper and dropped it at his feet, maintaining eye contact as if to challenge me somehow.

  “What is it about then?”

  “I can’t just explain it to you. I can’t make you understand. People like you are judgmental because you don’t understand the lifestyle. Like you asking me if I like to ‘beat women.’” He shook his head. “I’ve never hit a woman. Not out of anger, not the way you think of a man beating a woman. Your mind is too closed for this topic. You don’t have it in you to understand.”

  “Excuse me,” I said, feeling a lit
tle defensive myself, “I’m a psychiatrist. I have just about heard it all. I doubt that there is anything that you can tell me that I’m not capable of somehow or another wrapping my mind around. I admit that I’m put off by this subject matter. It’s not my specialty, but I can learn. I could at least try to help you, and if I can’t, I can find someone who can.”

  “No,” he shouted. He leapt to his feet, pointing his finger at me. “You signed a confidentiality agreement. You can’t tell anyone about this!”

  “I meant consult another physician, not talk to the tabloids.”

  “No,” he said again. “I forbid it.”

  “Forbid it?” I laughed. “You mean you’re asking me nicely not to seek the advice of a specialist, right? Because you don’t have the right to—”

  “Yes, Ella, I’m asking you nicely not to tell anyone.” His tone softened. “I’m not prepared to discuss this with anyone else.”

  “Why would you want to discuss it with me? And, again, please address me as Dr. Lindsey.”

  He peered out the window. “Well, for one, you walked in on it happening. Secondly, I trust you. I’ve never had a therapist I trusted before.”

  Pride swelled within me, but I quickly pushed it down. His trust had cost me an ounce of pride too.

  “Well, let’s talk about it then,” I said. “Let’s start with what being ‘a Dominant’ means and go from there.”

  He ran his hand through his hair, sitting back down. “You just want a definition?”

  “What does it mean to you? Help me understand. I know you think I can’t but just try.”

  “Have you ever given yourself to someone?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Have you ever trusted someone so completely that you let them have their way with you?”

  I shifted in my chair. “I’ve had sex, yes.”

  “I’m not talking about sex. This is something entirely different. I’m talking about allowing your partner to bring you to a level of pleasure that most people don’t even know to dream about.”

  I shifted again but for a different reason. His words made me warm. “Are you talking about…org, um, orgasms?”

  He let out a clipped laugh. “I’m talking about hours of orgasms.”

  Then I was the one laughing. “Well, physiologically speaking, that’s not possible.”

  “Oh, but it is,” he said, his tone so suggestive and dark that I immediately stopped laughing. “I’ve seen it. I’ve given it.”

  It took me a moment to blink away the images of him on top of me, pressing my wrists above my head, in his room earlier and remembering what he was really talking about.

  “Through abuse? You’ve given orgasms through physical abuse? That’s what you’re talking about, isn’t it?’

  “It’s not abuse. I’ve never abused anyone. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain.” I shook my head, but he continued. “For example, I’m sure you’ve had a lover take your nipple between his teeth. Just a nibble then a soft lick, it’s just enough to peak both sensations. Have you ever had a lover do that to you?”

  I blushed red hot. I felt it. “Ah, no.”

  “No?” He nearly came out of his seat. “What have you been doing?”

  I melted into my chair. “Traditional sex is pleasurable for me, Nathan. Everyone doesn’t enjoy the same things. Have you ever made love to a woman?”

  “No, but…”

  “See, you can’t judge my way any more than I can judge yours.”

  We sat there in silence for a moment before I said what I was thinking. “If you found the right woman, would you be willing to try a more traditional way?”

  “Would you be willing to try my way?” The way he enunciated the words made me wonder if he was being general or if he meant “his way” as in with him.

  “No,” I said. “I enjoy being made love to. It takes more than a few pumps to please me.” I couldn’t believe the words that had just left my mouth, but I kept going. “Making love is just that; it’s love and passion.”

  “A few pumps?” He smiled, but then his eyes darkened. “I could make you come without even being inside you.”

  I laughed to ease my discomfort with him focusing on me specifically. “Yeah, anyone with the right direction and a good soft tongue can do that.”

  “No, I could make you come without even going down on you.”

  “Nathan, that’s going too far.” I pushed away from my desk. “We have strayed way off topic…”

  “I could. I would love to. It would be my pleasure to please you.”

  “Nathan!”

  “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. But I have to be honest with you, I’ve thought about fucking you since the first time I saw you.”

  “Stop it.”

  “You’ve thought about it too. I know you have.”

  “Stop it!”

  “Why do you deny it? You must know by now that I can read you like a book.”

  “You are my patient, nothing more. I won’t entertain the idea of this fantasy.”

  “I think you will. In fact, I think you have.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “When you left here that first night to have sex, it was because you were so ashamed of the way you looked at me that you thought a quick fuck would make you feel less attracted to me.” My jaw dropped, literally dropped. “But it didn’t. When you came, you thought of me. You thought of me touching you—”

  “Enough! If you insist on being vulgar then—”

  “You’ll what? What will you do, Ella? You’ll send me to prison? You’ll send me to the stables to work? You’ll punish me?”

  “Is that what you want? Is that why you’re behaving this way? Because you think you deserve to be punished and you want it to come at my hand? I think you’re only turning your attention to me to avoid the topic at hand.”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “That was a low blow.”

  “You said you felt that you deserved to be punished for what you told me yesterday. That’s why you called that woman to beat you.”

  “I’m done with this conversation.” He stood and began moving toward the door, but I jumped up, blocking his path.

  “Why do you want to be punished, Nathan?”

  “Right now, I don’t.” He stared down at me fiercely. “Right now, I want to make you understand what true pleasure is; that’s the only way you could ever help me suppress the monster inside of me. And I want you to help. I want you to make it go away. But you could never do that without understanding who I am.”

  “I’m trying to understand.” I shrank under his stare.

  “Do you really want to know?”

  I was almost afraid to answer. “Yes.”

  “Really, Dr. Lindsey? Are you sure you are willing to do what it takes to get to know the real me?”

  I looked up into his gorgeous eyes, and all reason melted. I nodded.

  “Very well.” He reached for the button of my blouse again, this time without hesitation. My body trembled.

  “This is just an experiment,” I said, completely unconvincingly.

  His lips twitched up into a crooked smile. “Right. Relax,” he said.

  “Are you going to—”

  “No, you don’t get to ask questions. It doesn’t work that way. I told you to relax. I expect you to comply. That is part of being a Dominant. I give the instructions.”

  “I don’t think I can do this, Nathan.”

  “I think you can. I think you want to.” I felt the cool air across my chest. He didn’t dabble this time; he dipped down into my bra and cupped my breasts in his hands. I almost moaned or slapped him or moaned… “I said relax.”

  “I’m trying, but this is so—” I hissed when he pinched my nipple between his fingers.

  “I will stop when you relax.” The sensation sent a shot of pure warmth directly to my center. I let my shoulders sag. “Good girl.” I felt his tongue lap up my nipple soft and hot. Then the other. This time,
I did moan.

  “Do you feel the difference?” I was too heady to respond. I pressed his head back into my breast, but he resisted, pinching me again instead. “You don’t get to control this. I tell you what you want, not the other way around. Do you understand?” I didn’t say anything. “Answer me when I ask you a question.” He put more pressure on my nipples.

  “I understand.”

  I felt the warmth of his mouth on me again, and I sagged into him, placing my hands on his shoulders. He held me up. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered into my skin. “I want to pull up your skirt and fuck you. I usually don’t want that, but you do that to me, Ella.” I hummed in response because I was hot and so turned on that I’d forgotten why he was here. All I could think of were his hands on me. How many times had I imagined this moment? How many times had I gotten myself off thinking of this man? I’d admired him for so long. “But I won’t fuck you. I won’t do that until you’ve come for me. Even then, you’ll beg me.”

  Something about that statement brought me to my senses. I pushed him away and pulled my blouse together. Beg him? What was I doing? He looked amused.

  “I…I’m sorry,” I stuttered. “I can’t.”

  “You already have. You just don’t know it yet.” He smirked and walked around me to the door. “Whenever you’re ready to continue your lesson, you know where to find me.” I heard the door open behind me. “Don’t be ashamed of wanting, Doc,” he said. Then he was gone.

  I collapsed right where I stood. What had I done?

  Chapter 5

  I thought of calling the Judge again, but for what? What would I say? I almost had sex with my patient today. Yeah, right.

  Everything in me wanted to be ashamed, to get rid of him…everything except the part that craved him. I craved those muscular arms around me, those full lips on me, him inside me.

  Shit, if I’d just screwed that bartender, none of this would’ve happened. Yes, it would’ve.

  I found myself rubbing my sore nipples. I didn’t want this…I wanted him so badly I could taste him…but not like this. It shouldn’t have to hurt, but it felt so good…